Famine, be damned!!/Go figure!!!

While eating dinner a few nights ago, Isaac said:

"Dad, I wish I had a machine so if I said 'I want a potato,' it would make me one."

And I don't think he intended "make me one" to mean "bake it in the oven for 30 minutes before applying butter and presenting to me with a fork." But rather, "construct one on my behalf." Now, there's a kid whose not afraid to dream big.

For quite a while now, Isaac has been pestering me to let him take my Doyle action figure out of the box. For anyone who doesn't know who Doyle is, he was/is the guitar player for legendary horror-punk band, the Misfits. My reason for wanting Doyle to remain in his (coffin-shaped) box had nothing to do with maintaining its value. In fact, it's most likely still worth about $14.99 like it was 14 years ago. No, my goal in keeping his boxed had much more to do with not wanting his guitar, bicep bands or Frankenstein neck-bolts to find themselves in "missing" status. But, today, I broke down and let Isaac play with the 12" figure. So, since about 5:00 this is all Isaac has cared about. He made me tell him about the other members of the band, he listened to a bunch of songs and he has been carrying and talking to Doyle as if he was real. I'm thrilled! For me, a grand opportunity has presented itself to get my son familiar with something I still thoroughly enjoy.

Isaac has always had an interest in action figures of all kinds, Star Wars, He-Man, Transformers and G.I. Joes are all present and accounted for in this house. But tonight, he asked something that someone should have asked Kenner 30 years ago:

Isaac: Dad, who made the Star Wars theme song?
Me: John Williams.
Isaac: Do they make an action figure of him?
Me: They SHOULD.

What a great idea from such a little man! Why wouldn't someone create a figure to commemorate the man responsible for creating one of the greatest themes known to man? Perhaps he could have scored all the times my He-Man figures made out with my sister's Barbies.

Stick and Bindle.

Isaac: One dollar? That's not a bad paycheck!

Indeed, hobos would find this to be a fair wage for a day's work.

A lesson in anatomy.

Just because I haven't posted much lately does not mean that Isaac has suddenly traded in his habit of saying awesome things in favor of more adult conversation. In fact, last night, while he and I were watching a documentary on the Pixies entitled "LoudQUIETLoud," he broke me off a piece of the following. He was eating chocolate pudding with strawberries while we were watching the flick. As 5-year old boys are wont to do, he had gotten some chocolate on his face, hands...and legs.

Me: How was it, Isaac?
Isaac: Good.
Me: Here's a napkin for your face and hands.
Isaac: Thanks.
Me: Is that some on your leg? (It was clearly on his leg.)
Isaac (wiping it off his leg): Maybe. No.
Me: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was.
Isaac (grinning from ear to ear): No, it was my bellybutton.
Me: Your bellybutton?
Isaac (pulling his collar down, exposing his left nipple): Yeah, see? Like this.
Me: That's your nipple.
Isaac: My nipple?
Me: Yeah.
Isaac: Oh, I've got nipples all over the place.

And there ya have it. Just when you think Isaac might be in hiding or putting away his innocent ways, he comes out of nowhere and shoves a nipple right in your face.

Lost in Translation

I'm not entirely certain what started all of this, but a week or so ago, while sitting at the dinner table, Isaac began talking about speaking Chinese and whether or not Brenda and/or I spoke Chinese. This went on for a little while before I finally asked Isaac if he spoke Chinese. After taking a moment to consider the question, he stuck out the pointer finger of his left hand and, with a nod, said, "England."

Brenda and I did everything in our collective power to not laugh uncontrollably. The earnestness of his reply was as fantastic as what he said. Twenty minutes later, I asked him the same question, only to be answered with "Englaaaaaand" as if to say "We've already gone over thiiiiiiiissss." Madness nearly ensued, but luckily, Brenda and I got everything under control.

Since this episode, Isaac has not wavered in his stance on whether or not he is familiar with the Chinese language.

A cook you can count on.

Just because it's been a while since I've documented anything that Isaac has said does not mean that he's been silent. Tonight, for example, Isaac brought out some grat ones.

At about 8:45, Brenda decided to make zucchini bread. Isaac wanted to help. In fact, when Rosalie and I stumbled into the kitchen at about 9:00, Isaac was all too excited to have us be his audience.

Isaac (brimming with glee): Dad! I have a great idea!!
Me: What's that?
Isaac: You can sit over there and watch me cook! Isn't that a great idea?
Me: Ha! Yeah!! You're a much better cook than I am, buddy.
Isaac: Well, I can teach you. You just take some of that in a spoon and dump it in here and mix in.

He was sooo excited to be cooking. Isaac and Brenda slaved away in the kitchen while Rosalie and I watched the L.A./Boston game (GO BOSTON!!!!!!!!). Finally, after I had put Rosie to bed, Brenda and Isaac sauntered into the living room to give hugs and kisses on the way to Isaac's bedroom. I told him that I was looking forward to trying his bread and that if it wasn't good, I was going to eat him. He giggled and started up the steps. A moment later, Brenda walked back down the steps to get something she had forgotten. It was then that Isaac walked directly over to me and said, "Dad, my bread won't (with a swift wave of his arm) let you down. It will be good. It won't let you down. If you eat it, you will like it."

What a trustworthy baker! Now if it isn't good, I have to pretend to like it, but that's still a fair trade if you ask me.

At The Movies

Very recently, Isaac and I have found ourselves watching movies together. It's nice when he actually sits down long enough for something like that.

This first one was from a few weeks ago while we were playing with the Moon Sand that her had acquired at his 5 year birthday party. My attention would have been all Isaac's if it wasn't for the relentless action-packed thrill-ride that is "Top Gun." I turned the TV on close to the end when Maverick and Co. were in the midst of a pretty intense dogfight. The pilots were going back and forth screaming various things. At one point, Slider (Iceman's wingman) yelled "Strike Four!" But that's not what Isaac heard.

Isaac: Why did he say "Slap Whore!"?
Me: He didn't...and please never say that again.

I'm certain that he didn't know what he was even saying. Regardless, I don't want his preschool teachers to think that his father is a pimp.

This afternoon saw Isaac breaking off two gems. Off and on, we watched the original Star Wars trilogy, starting with "Episode IV: A New Hope." When the Mos Eisley Spaceport scene with Han Solo and Greedo came up, Isaac made me a proud parent.

Isaac: Is Han gonna shoot first?
Me (beaming): Most likely.

And finally, during the scene at Jabba's palace during the opening 20 minutes of "Episode VI: Return of the (Muthafuckin') Jedi," Isaac asked "Does Jabba speak Korean?"

I said no, but in fairness, I'm basing that on rumors.

I'll have to get back to you about that one.

A few days ago, Isaac absolutely blew my mind. Not only did he blow my mind, but he left me perplexed.

We were sitting at the kitchen table having dinner when started asking me which I like better, which one is funnier; this or that...this or that? Finally, after going back and forth between kinds of food, songs, shows etc,etc, he asked the one question that I

A: Have never been asked, and
B: Will probably never be asked again.

Isaac: Would you rather eat a remote control...or an ear?
Me: I'd rather eat a remo...Wait! No, an ear. I'd rather eat an ear.

Of course, he was just being silly, but what a question! I was almost too quick to say that I'd rather eat a remote, but let's be serious...I can EAT an ear. As revolting as the idea of ingesting an ear can be, imagine trying to eat a large piece of hard plastic.

But before committing to the ear choice, I'd have to be given a little bit more information. For instance, if the ear is from a pig, no problem. People eat those shits with hot sauce all the time. Some actually enjoy them. On the other hand, however, what if the ear was from a loved one. Furthermore, why would I be forced or asked to eat an ear in the first place? Then again, in reality, I honestly can't think of any situation in which I'd rather consume a remote control than ANY ear. Maybe if the ear belonged to Rosalie, I'd go with the remote option, but that's it. I've always thought Isaac's ears looked delicious. Not to mention, he'd rather eat my ear than a remote control just on basic principle, so why should I spare him?

This post is as ludicrous as it is morbid.